"i am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure and His joy is gonna be my strength."

since the last post, i have lost so much.

it's been a painful week. i let go of one thing, and end up completely losing another.

and the letting go was so hard, by the way. and i always worry about regretting things one day. i just don't want to make the wrong choice, ya know? but, (notso)secretly, i still worry about it.

my whole life is so different. it has changed so much in the past 6 months. it's been so challenging. it's made me question so much. i've fallen short so many times.

i turn 18 in two days, one hour and fifty minutes. not that i'm counting. but, every (and i mean every freakin' time) birthday, i think about my dad. and my mom. i haven't spent a birthday with my mom since my age was still a single digit. i miss her, a lot. and my dad. where do i begin with him? the one person i struggle to forgive. literally, this is a day to day battle. i do not like him, not at all. he's still my dad. i'm still his child. it's so weird to think, like it's so hard for my brain to wrap around... the things he's said to me still haunt me. not to the point where i can't function, like i used to. but, they still do.

i haven't spoken to him since i was 16. he didn't tell me happy birthday on my 16th birthday. ever since i was 8 years old, i looked forward to my 16th birthday. (i know i was 8 because i blew out the candles on my birthday cake and i knew i was half way there.) and that was the worst birthday, ever. the divorce made my entire life pure hell. honestly, i don't even know how i made it out alive. i wanted to die so bad, just to get out of all of that.

now, this week. this week i have learned so many great things. like, what unconditional love is. about how much God loves me. about redemption... (in the eyes of God, not people. i've given up on being redeemed by people.)

i have been so blessed this week, in so many ways. i hate that bad things have hindered me from being so uncontrollably happy. but, either way, i'm still so blessed. i have some of the greatest people in my life. and God blesses me through them on the daily. it's so good. i can't express the great love that has been shown to me in the past few days.

God provides. He gives and takes away.

i wish that could change how broken i feel, but new days are coming. brighter ones, at that.