"we've got to get better," i said, "it's all in your head."

we could live through these letters or forget it all together. see, the months, they don't matter. it's the days i cant take.


so, today was a good day. i wore 3-d glasses all day. basically, i was the most envied out of the entire school. that just comes with being fly. i had ceramics. love love love. uhm, we learned about different religions that started in the second awakening in us history today. that was pretty cool. even cooler than that, we learned about influential women of the 1800's. love.

then i had dance after school. we added some more to our dance we are making. it's sweet, lots of kickline stuff. sexy.

then i came home and cleaned for a bit, then went to woodhull, il for a boys basketball game. everyone said i looked like a legit indian with the braids. too legit. we won, by 17.

girls game tomorrow night. i will once again be an indian.

honestly though, tonight was so fun, just hanging out with nate, andie, grant and luke in the car for an hour there and an hour back. listening to no ceilings. love me some lil wayne.

but i've come to the conclusion that since there is no redemption, my reputation is ruined. forever. everything i've worked at for the past 4 years is toast. there is no getting it back. so i'm so sick and tired of worrying about what people want from me. and honestly, i thought God wanted this for me, but it turns out that what i thought He wanted for me was what landed me into this big black hole of depression. i'm almost 18 years old. i should be out having fun, doing and experimenting with crap. but i'm not. because i thought i was made for better things. but the "better things" have landed me in worse places.

and i feel like God has completely given up on me. hooray for being a lost cause i suppose.

i still think He's gonna strike me down.