"summer's secrets, they say keep it locked behind my lips. don't speak of this. summer's kisses always fix this and everyone here knows we miss this."
first of all, 26 days, 1 hour, 13 minutes (as of right now, as i'm typing this) until my biiirfday.
so, i think that i hate boys. they do crazy things to my mind. like make me like them, and things like that.
better yet, i feel like i like them more than they like me. which is weak.
because then i feel like crap later on. because i like them, a lot. i suppose i'd just like to think that maybe they feel that way about me too.
also, i was thinking today, and i have come to the conclusion that i am too scared to ever get married. the logic of this reasoning, you ask? you're in luck, because i'm going to tell you.
males don't take things seriously. and when they do, it's always something superficial, like a football game. (don't get me wrong, i love me a good game of football. juss' sayin'.) and, in all honesty, i do not want to marry someone like my dad someday. or someone who could ever potentially be like my dad someday. and i really want children. so very badly, i do. but i don't want my kids to have a dad like mine. in fact, that's the last thing i want. but you see, i can't really control people, only myself. so maybe, just maybe, that's all i should ever worry about. and i just won't have kids. i'd rather not have kids than have kids with an a hole.
and i'm not saying all males will be like my dad, but i am saying that i'd rather risk being alone than putting myself in that hell.
also, and maybe more so, i don't want to fail my husband, or my kids. and, i think i'd be bad at being a wife, which would result in failure. i don't want that. that little verse in the bible about "wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives" thing would be quite the challenge. i'm not one to submit, and i have a hard time being lead. but the thing is, i'd love to be lead in a relationship (turned tables/roll flip). two desires coexist in me.
i should get used to that.
maybe, i wasn't made for anyone. maybe, i was made to be alone.
maybe not. i just wish i knew.
"it feels so good to finally hold you. you are the summer's raindrop, thunder. it feels so good to finally hold you. in love with you again while my heart is always beating. in love with you again. this time i swear i'm never leaving. in front of the car after a round at the bar and this city's as close as i can get to you..."
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